Tool 1: Pause Before Responding
This post is part of my 52 Tools for Parenting and Teaching series. Each week, I’m choosing one small practice and intentionally using it in my work, my family, my marriage, and while caregiving for my aging parents. My goal is not to share ideas people already know, but to practice what we forget in the moment and slowly turn awareness into habits.
When emotions rise, most of us already know what we should do.
We should stay calm.
We should respond thoughtfully.
We should choose our words carefully.
And yet, in real life, when a child is yelling, refusing, melting down, or pushing limits, those reminders disappear. It doesn’t matter whether we’re supporting a toddler, a teenager, or a grown child. In the moment, knowing and doing are very different things.
That’s where the pause comes in.
A pause isn’t a strategy to control behavior. It’s a moment of support for the adult nervous system. Pausing gives us just enough space to respond with intention instead of habit, especially when things feel charged.
Pausing doesn’t mean staying silent to make a point, and it doesn’t mean ignoring behavior. It’s a brief interruption. A moment to breathe, notice what’s happening in your body, and choose what comes next.
Sometimes that pause is just one breath. Sometimes it’s sitting down instead of standing. Sometimes it’s quietly reminding yourself, this child is learning. These small pauses matter because they change the tone of what follows, not only for the child, but for us too.
Most of us already understand that yelling or giving the silent treatment doesn’t help. What’s harder is remembering that truth when we feel overwhelmed, stretched thin, or disrespected. In those moments, pausing gives the thinking part of the brain a chance to come back online. Our voice softens. Our body slows. Our response becomes clearer.
Children experience this as safety. Not because everything is calm, but because someone is steady and grounded. Over time, they learn from what they see modeled.
At home, the pause often shows up right before words or actions spill out. You might notice tension in your chest, shoulders, or jaw. That’s often the signal. You don’t need to say anything yet. You can simply stop for a few seconds and breathe. Becoming aware in that moment opens the door to responding differently.
The pause doesn’t fix the situation. It prepares you to respond in a way that teaches rather than escalates.
In the classroom, pausing might look like waiting before redirecting a student, lowering your voice, or standing still instead of moving quickly toward a child. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a breath or sipping water before stepping in, unless safety requires immediate action. Students notice these moments. Over time, they learn what regulation looks like by watching it practiced.
Pausing can feel uncomfortable. It can feel slow or unnatural, especially if you’re used to responding quickly. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It usually means you’re interrupting an old pattern and practicing something new.
Pausing is a skill. It grows with repetition, not perfection.
So here’s a gentle invitation. This week, notice one moment when you pause before responding. Just one. There’s no need to pause every time, and no need to do it perfectly. One pause is enough to begin turning awareness into a habit.
If you’d like a quieter, more reflective version of this post, you can read it on Substack.
If you’d like to listen and reflect, you can also watch my YouTube podcast conversation with Cheryl Shah, where we talk about mindfulness, pausing, and what this looks like in real life.
