Understanding Our Children’s Behavior

We wake up in the morning ready to start the day, excited about waking up and greeting our kids. Before we know it, one wakes up crying, the other one can’t find their shoes, and perhaps the baby comes running in with a hug.

When these moments are happening, we’re naturally going to gravitate toward those who need the most attention. Meanwhile, the other children are making observations, developing perceptions of the situation, and forming their own beliefs.

Often, we will see constant requests for the same thing, or crying and needing our full attention when we have the least amount of time. We’re pushing every ounce of energy in conflicting directions, making a meal, showering ourselves, spending time with each child, while caring for our spouse.

Sometimes we sit in the corner thinking, How did everything get so mangled?

Sometimes we think, I just need a break.

There were times I felt this way, thinking, What can I do today that will go according to plan?

Have you ever thought this way?

Let’s go back to that little person who was cuddly and looking for attention, with less life experience than the others.

The firstborn perhaps has had the most attention from their adults, and they may feel dethroned when the second child comes along. That middle child may strive to do everything like their older sibling, learning from them, which can sometimes be quicker because the stretch is less than when the first child learned to do things from us, the adults.

And then the baby comes along and may be quite content, using their own unique ways to get the attention and belonging they need.

Each child is forming their own beliefs.

Going back to that older child, they might try to keep their position by behaving in various ways, telling on their siblings, saying, “You should do it this way,” or perhaps ordering others around.

However, the second born might go around trying to do things better, quicker, or in a cute way, and perhaps not really follow directions. Whereas the older child might get stuck on having to do it a certain way, or observing while the caregivers are giving attention to their younger siblings.

Certainly, these are things that many of us experience, and it’s not anything to be feel guilty about. We all grew up making meaning from things that we observed in our environment.

Children sometimes behave in a needy way when they don’t feel that they count. They may try to keep us busy with them because they truly believe that this is their way of belonging:

If I keep others busy with me, then I belong.

Giving them some tools, such as opportunities to be helpful, perhaps with that second or third child in our home, is an awesome way that we can bring some harmony back in.

Obviously, behaviors can be one of the ways that children are telling us that they need something. When they don’t feel significance or belonging in a situation or their community, they may try various ways to gain that attention or to feel capable, that they count, or that they have courage.

We might often sense the power struggle, the defiant behavior, talking back, or not listening. We perhaps might feel angry, irritated, or worried, and we might try to say, “You can’t talk to me that way,” and these situations intensify further.

One way that we can include this child, or meet them where they are, is to give them choices and include them in decision making.

“Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one?”

“Are you going to brush your teeth first, or are you going to get dressed?”

These are some of the smallest ways that we can give them autonomy and capability.

The third situation is when a child is hurting their siblings, throwing things, or damaging stuff. They may be hurting themselves while showing the hurt feelings. They may be trying to tell us in their own way that they want us to validate their feelings or understand what they’re experiencing.

When our children are yelling or telling us that we are terrible parents, they may be feeling hurt. We can let them know that even in this difficult moment, they still count and matter to us. Validating their feelings, asking if they would like a hug, including them in decision making, seeing the strengths that they have, and sharing those strengths with them can go a long way.

Sometimes children just give up on themselves, or at least they want us to believe not to bother because they believe that there’s no point in trying. They won’t do it well enough anyway, and we might feel hopeless and helpless.

But when our children are behaving in a way that says they can’t do something, and we know how capable they are, in those moments what can help is breaking things down and slowly building their confidence.

There are many ways that we can create a harmonious home, and understanding behavior is step one.