The Courage to Reflect

Why lasting change begins when we become curious about ourselves.

Last year I was at a meeting where one person kept saying things like, “I’m uncomfortable with this.” “I don’t understand why we’re doing it this way.” “Where are the consequences?” “It should be done differently.” “I like doing this this way and my team does it this way and we…...” It went on and on, and I began to listen to the conversation. My thoughts were running wild.

None of that surprised me at all. I too have been this person.

Learning is uncomfortable. If we never feel uncomfortable, I sometimes wonder whether we’re learning anything new at all.

What really got me thinking was everyone else’s response.

Each time this individual spoke, I noticed the energy in the room shift. People paused or shook their heads in agreement. They looked toward this person before sharing their own thoughts and spoke while looking at this individual. It almost felt as though everyone was waiting for permission before continuing.

I became more and more curious as I watched this unchoreographed dance which looked like a flash mob.

When does experience become wisdom, and when does it become controlled?

When does a position of leadership encourage people to think for themselves, and when does it unintentionally teach people to wait?

I’ve seen this pattern more than once over the years and sometimes engaged in it myself. Sometimes the person has a title. Sometimes they’ve simply been there the longest. Sometimes people naturally give them that authority.

Whatever the reason, I noticed something important beginning to disappear.

People were not wondering.

People were not offering ideas.

People didn’t seem willing to take healthy risks.

Not because they didn’t care.

Because they no longer felt it was their place.

When did the tide turn and the pied piper show up?

I remember reading Amy Edmondson’s work years later and thinking, “That’s it. That’s exactly what I was seeing in that meeting.” Suddenly I had words for something I’d noticed for years but hadn’t been able to explain.

One question I hear quite often is, “Where are the consequences?”

What do we really mean by consequences?

If we’re hoping someone learns from an experience, are we looking for punishment, or are we looking for growth?

Over the years, I’ve noticed that when I focus on finding a solution with someone instead of looking for a consequence, the conversation changes completely.

A helpful solution is related to what happened.

It’s respectful to everyone involved.

It’s reasonable.

These are principles we share in Empowering People in the Workplace.

Most importantly, a solution helps someone build the skills they’ll need the next time instead of reminding them of what they did wrong.

I’ve also learned that no amount of coaching, encouragement, or support creates lasting change unless the individual is ready to reflect. We can invite people into the conversation. We can ask curious questions. We can offer encouragement and support. But each of us has to decide whether we’re willing to look inward.

As Alfred Adler reminded us, “Trust only movement.”

Not promises.

Not good intentions.

Movement. Where are the feet facing?

As I drove home that day, I wasn’t thinking about that individual anymore.

I was thinking about myself.

Where do I become uncomfortable?

When do I hold on too tightly to my own ideas as a parent, as a leader?

Do people feel comfortable disagreeing with me? Do I feel comfortable to share when I feel uncomfortable disagreeing with others?

Do they leave a conversation feeling encouraged, or simply compliant?

Those aren’t easy questions.

I’m still asking them.

Maybe that’s why this work continues to fascinate me after all these years.

Leadership isn’t about having all the answers and getting all things right.

It isn’t about always being right.

It isn’t about holding onto a title or protecting a position.

It’s about creating the conditions where people feel safe enough to think, contribute, learn, and grow—including ourselves.

That, to me, takes courage.

The courage to reflect.

What about you?

When was the last time you paused long enough to reflect on your own leadership?

References

Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth.

Positive Discipline Association. (n.d.). Empowering People in the Workplace (Training Program).