When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan
“The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere.” — Alfred Adler
We often become discouraged when we have a thought, a dream, a plan, or an idea about how something should turn out, and then it doesn’t.
Life has a way of inviting change, whether we welcome it or not.
When we’re young, we dream about the adult life we want to create. We imagine what success will look like, what kind of work we will do, the relationships we will have, and the person we will become.
Then we arrive.
We build careers. We raise families. We create businesses. We lead teams. We achieve goals.
And just when we think we have found our footing, life changes again.
Our bodies change.
Our roles change.
Our relationships change.
Our identities evolve.
As we age, we begin losing some of the things we once took for granted. Sometimes we lose abilities. Sometimes we lose opportunities. Sometimes we lose people. And sometimes we lose versions of ourselves that we loved.
Adapting to change and learning to let go may be among the most difficult tasks we face.
Often, we are not grieving only what was. We are grieving the ideas, expectations, and stories we held dear about what would be.
Letting Go of a Chapter
I’ve been a trainer for many years, but before that I spent much of my life running two schools.
When I transitioned away from that work, it took me nearly five years to fully process the experience. The grief was real.
The final two years were especially difficult.
I carried with me the love and care I had for the children, the families, and the incredible team members who made the journey meaningful. I also carried regret.
I struggled to forgive myself for mistakes I made.
I struggled with missing the mistakes I didn’t see others making.
I replayed situations over and over in my mind.
Today, I can say this with compassion:
What I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
But in the moment, it was difficult to offer myself that grace.
When you’re in the middle of a storm, it’s hard to see the shoreline.
I often felt as if I had lost my footing, standing in water that seemed to grow deeper by the day, unable to see where it ended.
The Story We Tell Ourselves
Recently, I found myself discouraged again.
Several training sessions I was offering had very low enrollment.
Almost without realizing it, I began telling myself a story:
Maybe my contribution is no longer needed.
Maybe my work is no longer valuable.
Have you ever done that?
Perhaps it wasn’t about a workshop.
Maybe it was a project.
A team you were leading.
A relationship.
A role that once felt meaningful.
When we enter this space, we often become our own harshest critics.
We blame ourselves.
We question our value.
We question our capability.
We question whether we are contributing in a meaningful way.
And when discouragement takes hold, it becomes harder to see reality clearly.
The Birthday That Taught Me Something
During this exhausting period of travel, celebrations, commitments, a milestone birthday arrived.
The birthday itself wasn’t a big deal to me.
The celebration, however, became a powerful teacher.
I found myself surrounded by aging adults, young people, family, and friends. Everyone was laughing, connecting, and enjoying the moment.
Meanwhile, I was doing what many leaders do.
I was making sure everyone else’s needs were met while exhausted and drained.
I was paying attention to who needed a towel, who needed to be checked on, who needed food, who needed support, who felt included, who felt comfortable.
And somewhere in the middle of caring for everyone else, I forgot to care for myself.
When an aging family member expressed disappointment or discomfort, I heard it as a personal failure.
I took responsibility for someone else’s lack of joy.
Again.
That old belief quietly resurfaced.
As the older daughter-in-law.
As a middle sibling.
As a leader.
It is my job to take care of everyone.
It is my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy.
It is my duty to fix things.
The belief wasn’t entirely wrong.
Caring is one of my strengths.
But the belief had become heavier than it needed to be.
Because caring for others is different from carrying others.
The Beliefs That Shape Us
We all have a belief that helps us succeed.
And sometimes that very same belief becomes the thing that gets in our way.
Mine was:
“It is my responsibility to take care of everyone.”
Perhaps yours sounds different.
Maybe it is:
“I have to do it perfectly.”
“I can’t disappoint anyone.”
“I have to prove myself.”
“I need to have all the answers.”
“I should be able to handle this on my own.”
The more we understand these beliefs, the less pressure we place on ourselves.
The less disappointment we carry.
The less discouraged we become.
A Reminder Arrives
Remember the story I was telling myself about low enrollment?
The one where I convinced myself my contribution was no longer valuable?
Not long after, a parent from one of the schools I had worked with years ago reached out.
She said:
“We would love for you to speak to our women’s organization.”
There were nearly 5,000 women in the group.
And suddenly, the story changed.
Not because I was any more valuable that day than I had been the day before.
Not because 5,000 is more important than 5.
But because someone reminded me of something I had forgotten.
The contribution was always there.
The work was always meaningful.
The value was never determined by the number of participants in the room.
Whether there are two people, twenty people, or five thousand people, the work remains the same.
The contribution remains the same.
It is not the quantity.
It is the quality.
Here’s to Growing
Perhaps that is the lesson life keeps teaching us.
We are not our enrollments.
We are not our titles.
We are not our productivity.
We are not our mistakes.
And we are certainly not the stories we tell ourselves when we are discouraged.
Life will continue to change.
Roles will shift.
People will come and go.
Dreams will evolve.
What matters is learning to meet ourselves with the same encouragement, compassion, and grace that we so freely offer others.
Here’s to learning.
Here’s to growing.
And here’s to remembering that our contribution matters, even when life doesn’t go according to plan.
- Yogi Patel
#Human #Authentic #Leadership #Encouragement #Growth #Belonging #PositiveDiscipline #AdlerianPsychology
