Is Positive Discipline Right for You?
There are so many parenting books, podcasts, courses, and opinions available today. Sometimes all that information leaves us with an even bigger question:
What do I actually do when I am standing in front of my child and things are not going well?
That is one of the reasons I appreciate the Positive Discipline approach so much.
It isn’t about becoming a perfect parent. It isn’t about having the perfect response every time. And it certainly isn’t about memorizing a list of techniques.
It is about understanding children differently and having practical tools to use when everyday life gets complicated.
You Might Recognize Some of These Moments
You have asked your child to get ready three times, and nothing has happened.
Homework has turned into a nightly struggle.
Your child melts down when you say no.
Two siblings are fighting, and somehow you have become the judge.
Your teenager barely answers your questions.
You hear yourself repeating something your own parents used to say and think, “I wasn’t going to do that.”
Most parents I know have experienced some version of these moments.
I certainly have.
Raising children is one of those experiences where we can love someone deeply and still have absolutely no idea what to do in a particular moment.
The question isn’t whether we will make mistakes. We will.
A more helpful question is:
What can we learn from the moment, and what can we do differently next time?
Positive Discipline Asks Us to Look Beneath Behavior
One of the biggest shifts for me is moving away from simply asking:
“How do I stop this behavior?”
and becoming curious about:
“What is happening here?”
Behavior is often the part we can see.
Underneath it may be:
Discouragement
A need for belonging
A desire for significance
A lagging skill
A mistaken belief
Or simply a child who doesn’t yet know how to handle what they are experiencing
This doesn’t mean we allow inappropriate behavior.
Kindness without firmness can easily become permissiveness.
Firmness without kindness can become controlling.
Positive Discipline invites us to hold kindness and firmness at the same time.
That sounds simple.
Doing it when you’re tired, late for work, trying to get everyone out the door, and your child refuses to put on their shoes is another matter entirely.
That is why practice matters.
Learning Through Practice and Experience
One of the things parents often tell me when we talk about this approach is that they didn’t expect to learn so much by simply doing and reflecting.
I think that is important.
We can tell parents, “Don’t lecture.”
Then we can give them a ten-minute lecture about why they shouldn’t lecture.
Or we can create an experience that allows them to feel what happens when someone talks at them, corrects them, controls them, rescues them, or genuinely listens to them.
Those experiences stay with us.
They help us understand not only what to do differently, but why it matters.
This way of thinking about parenting uses practical, hands-on insights grounded in Adlerian psychology.
The work of Dr. Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott has helped translate these principles into realistic approaches families can actually use.
And many of these tools are surprisingly small.
Small Tools Can Create Big Changes
Making agreements together
Asking curiosity questions instead of immediately giving answers
Using encouragement instead of praise
Taking time to calm down before trying to solve a problem
Holding family meetings
Allowing children to participate in solutions
Understanding the belief that may be sitting underneath a behavior
Small changes can alter the entire tone of an interaction.
Is This Only for Parents Who Are Struggling?
No.
In fact, I wish we didn’t wait until something was “wrong” before learning about relationships.
You may have a wonderful relationship with your children and simply want more tools.
You may be expecting your first child.
You may have young children and want to establish respectful patterns early.
You may have teenagers and realize that the parenting tools that worked when they were five don’t work anymore.
Or perhaps your children are grown and you are discovering that relationships continue to evolve.
The principles of dignity, belonging, mutual respect, encouragement, responsibility, and connection don’t suddenly disappear when children become adults.
What If I Work With Families Rather Than Being a Parent?
This is another reason these principles connect with such a wide variety of people.
You might be a:
Teacher, Montessori educator, counselor, therapist, social worker, parent coach, school leader, family-support professional, or someone who regularly works with parents and children.
Knowing the ideas is useful.
Knowing how to facilitate learning for another adult is something different.
Parents usually don’t need another person telling them everything they are doing wrong.
Most are already carrying plenty of doubt.
They need opportunities to:
Think. Experience. Practice. Reflect. Discover.
They need opportunities to discover what might work in their own family.
Embracing Positive Discipline helps us create these kinds of meaningful learning experiences for ourselves and our families.
You Don’t Have to Agree With Everything
I actually think this is important.
A healthy framework for parenting shouldn’t require you to abandon your own experience, culture, family values, or judgment.
Bring them with you.
Ask questions.
Try the activities.
Notice what resonates.
Notice what challenges you.
Think about your own childhood.
Think about the messages you received about:
Mistakes
Respect
Obedience
Responsibility
Emotions
Belonging
Then decide what you want to carry forward.
Learning is much more powerful when we are invited to think rather than told what to think.
So, Is This Approach Right for You?
If you’re looking for someone to give you a formula for raising perfectly behaved children, probably not.
Children are human beings, not formulas.
But if you want to:
Understand behavior more deeply
Build connection while maintaining boundaries
Reduce unnecessary power struggles
Encourage responsibility
Have practical tools for the moments when you simply don’t know what to do next
then I think you will find a great deal here.
And if you work with families, sharing these ideas can offer a supportive space for parents to experience better connection rather than feeling lectured.
After all these years of working with children, parents, teachers, and leaders, I continue to come back to something very basic:
People do better when they experience dignity, belonging, and the belief that they are capable.
That includes our children.
And it includes us as parents and caregivers, too.
We are learning right alongside them.
